Posted by: check868 | April 14, 2008

The Kinsey Report

Today, I got a copy of “Sexual Behavior in the Human Female” (i.e., the Kinsey report’s results on the ladies) from the Strand. For 48 cents. I love that bookstore. Anyway, it’s an enormous tome of facts and figures, and deadly boring. I started reading about pre-adolescent sexual response, which brought back some memories, and I figured I’d share them with you, dear readers.

When I was in kindergarten, we had these ropes in the gym that we were supposed to climb. I’ve always been like a little monkey, so I would scramble right to the roof of the gym. Then I’d hang there for a while, showing off to the lesser mortals below. Sometimes, hanging there would feel really good. The good feeling would get better and better, peak, and then I’d be really tired. If it happened before I got to the top of the rope, I usually couldn’t make it the rest of the way.

It took me a year or two to realize that I was making sweet love to a rope. (My parents also got a jungle gym thing for the backyard, with a sandbox, swings, a slide, and… a fireman’s pole! I spent many a happy hour playing with that, let me tell you.) When I realized that these good feelings were what sex was going to be, I figured I should practice in a more realistic way (I’ve always been big on practice). I took a shot glass and a pillow and humped away. Thank god I never tried to put the shot glass inside me, it probably would’ve slid in all the way and gotten stuck. I soon discovered that it was more comfortable to leave out the shot glass, the pillow worked fine by itself.

I had a very close friend at this time. In retrospect, we were total lesbians with each other (e.g., we always kissed each other on the mouth). When I discovered pillow humping, it was natural that I would share this knowledge with Becky. She might want to practice, too. So I showed her how, and we both lay on my bed, panting and clutching pillows to our crotches. We both came, and them my mom called us, telling us dinner was ready. We went downstairs, feeling slightly guilty or dirty or something, and had macaroni and cheese for dinner.

And those are a few of the thrilling pre-adolescent sexuality stories I remembered, reading the Kinsey book. They aren’t terribly interesting, but I’m proud that I was masturbating when I was 4. I think it helped me come easily when I have sex as an adult, and I learned to have multiple orgasms before I knew that what I was doing was sexual. Practice makes perfect!

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